The Doctrine and Covenants contain a lot of counsel on how to handle situations in which we are offended. It is an issue that has concerned members of the Church ever since its foundation in ancient times. D&C 64:8 says that even the Apostles of Jesus Christ were occasionally offended at each other and "sought occasion against one another," and reading the New Testament we can see several instances of this. However, allowing ourselves to take offense and holding a grudge halts our spiritual progression. If you think about it, by holding a grudge against someone, we are effectively putting our own happiness and spirituality into their hands rather than taking responsibility for it ourselves. What then should we do in these situations? The Lord has actually given fairly specific instructions:
D&C 42:88 -- "And if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone." This is very insightful and even surprising to some. When somebody does something that offends us, it is our responsibility to approach him or her, not the other way around. Often times when we feel hurt, we feel that the one who hurt us should come to us first to beg for forgiveness. But according to this scripture, the offended person should act first. This makes sense; it is possible that the offender didn't even realize that they offended us. If that's the case, how will they know unless we talk to them about it?
This scripture also encourages us to speak with him or her privately. There's no need to call them out on what was done in front of other people who were not involved. Doing so often only causes embarrassment and hard feelings, making reconciliation even less likely.
D&C 42:89 -- "And if he or she confess not thou shalt deliver him or her up unto the church, not to the members, but to the elders. And it shall be done in a meeting, and that not before the world." Here the Lord further counsels that if the offended is still not reconciled with the offender after approaching them and talking to them about it privately, he or she can seek help from Church leaders. Again the Lord emphasizes not declaring publicly what was done, but speaking only to those who are in leadership positions. By seeking the advice of Church leaders, we should also be willing to follow that advice and allow them to perform the functions they have been called to, rather than taking matters into our own hands.
D&C 64:10 -- "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." In verses 8-14 of this section the Lord tells His people that we are to forgive all men, and we are reminded of the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18; if we want the Lord to forgive us of our sins, we should be willing to forgive others of their trespasses against us. The Lord does not give any condition for forgiveness; He does not say it is required of us to forgive all men who repent or all men who apologize, but simply states, "all men." This means that even if one who offends us does not try to make things right, even after we have approached them and talked to them about it, we are still required to forgive. We should say in our hearts, "let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds" (D&C 64:11).
God is the perfect judge. It is difficult to let go of our hurt feelings, but when we do so, we are leaving judgement to God and allowing the healing process to begin in our own heart.
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